Coffee at nights normally leads to anxiety attacks, which in turn become panic attacks. It's almost like sex, how the tension builds up, then it peaks into panic, horror, the certainty that I'm going to die. Then it dissipates slowly and I feel exhausted, but I kind of want more.
Some other times, though, coffee at nights leads to introspection.
Fuck, my spelling sucks and nobody tells me anything! I know English is not my first language, but it’s not a valid excuse. I need to do it perfectly.
I was watching The Simpsons earlier today, that episode in which Lisa meets this kid who’s better than her at everything she loves, and I swear I saw myself in Lisa. I’m obsessive-compulsive, and I know my own capacities and limitations. This is an endless source of frustration, because lately, I haven’t been living up to my potential. I’ve let external factors affect me to a point in which fear of failure has me stuck to my bed.
I’ll make this clear: competition is something I won’t tolerate. If there’s the slightest hint of threat, I’ll kill myself to prove that I am the best, because that is what I aim for. I can’t be second best. And I know it’s fucked up, but that’s how I am. Then place Red into the equation, sit back and enjoy the fireworks.
“I’m not jealous, I’m merely territorial”
And Red just asked me what’s happening to me. The Fae she moved in with was not this beaten, frightened girl. The Fae she chose as a host was strong, outspoken, active…
Where is Fae, and what has this carcass of a girl done with her?
Well…apparently, we just found her. She was buried under a huge bundle of fear, hiding in dreams and ideas that she’d never make come true, because dreams can’t fail.
Well, time to wake up, princess. Life won’t find you here, go and show the bitch what you’re made of. Life’s a rollercoaster, and I want to see you screaming through that ride.
Tomorrow, we go back to red.
And we ain't no goddamn princess. We deserve to be Queen.
I want to be Ramona Flowers.
